Giving Up Control and Finding Me

It’s raw. It’s like a scab being picked at again and again until it bleeds and the area around it is pink and warm to the touch.

Today was a shit day. I am not going to lie to you or myself. Letting go of control during the recovery period is one of the single most difficult things I have ever had to do.

Yesterday I was filled with hope, energy and every good intention under the sun. Along with that came the inner knowledge that I had this. I could do it all and then some on my own the way I had been holding things together for so long.

One problem with that. I am only human.

Fitness has been a way over the last 3 years that I have coped with negativity in my life, a way that I have been able to manage crisis, it has served as a motivator and an endorphin booster. I would officially consider myself to be somewhat of an endorphin junkie. Shocking I know!

It has also been the one thing in my life I have been able to control no matter what else was going on. Today I felt overwhelmed by the lack of exercise in my life.

However it wasn’t just that. It was everything barreling down on me at once. It was family issues, lack of physical ability to handle my household, feeling like I wasn’t being a good mother because I was asking too much from my child and on top of that the drain on my energy and mind from the repair that my body is going through on the very cellular level.

It never dawned on me that I didn’t have a super cape tucked in the collar of my shirt. I wasn’t letting myself reach out to those around me or accept the offers of help because it was out of my norm. What do you mean I can’t handle it? I’ve got it all UNDER CONTROL!!!

Several hours of worrying that I’d hurt myself by overdoing it yesterday, 30 mins of crying and talking in my surgeon’s office, several wadded tissue papers, some self-reflection and confirmation that my voice was heard and I have come to terms with a few things.

First, I am okay. The pains that my body is feeling, the nausea, the weakness are all normal. Hell, I have been cut open and sewn back together like a teddy bear with its arm ripped off. Well, maybe not that dramatic but pretty intense.

Second, there are people within the medical profession that get it. They understand that the body and mind are so very connected and that when you go through the roller coaster of being under anesthetic, cut open, having a fair amount of your skin removed and then being stitched back together that your thoughts and emotions go right along for that ride and that sometimes all you need is that time to bring those feelings to the surface so they don’t seem so heavy.

Third, it is undeniably and without question completely okay to accept and ask for help from anybody. I had this fear of being viewed as being weak or too needy. I realize now that my fear was genuine and totally unnecessary. I would like to think that this is a given but just in case I hope that anyone reading this knows that if the situation is reversed and someone needs me I will do everything in my power to help in any way that I can.

Last and probably most important, it is okay to just be. To do nothing. It does not reflect who I am as a person or how hard I work in my life. Things will get done…later. There is nothing so pressing that it can’t wait and I vow from here on it that it will. I am hereby giving myself permission to rest, relax, sleep, watch bad movies and have time with my son. I am going to take care of myself in the ways that I am able to right now like taking vitamins, having adequate fluids and eating healthy, nourishing and sustainable food. I am going to love myself from the inside out.

Today was a shit day but now it’s turning out pretty darned good as I have been able to find myself right where I belong, surrounded by pillows in bed, cat curled up on my legs, Ginger and Turmeric tea and water at my side, a horror flick waiting on Netflix and my child being a kid and playing video games with a friend downstairs.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing I hope you’re allowing yourself whatever it is you need ~ the time to heal, the acceptance of help, the love that your body, mind and soul deserves or the chance to just be.

Love D.


Photo Credit: Armando Tura