Okay, so my post in the wee hours of the morning was really only part of what was on my mind. As a matter of respect for my son I needed to check-in with him before I finished my thought process.
I had to do this because at 12 years old he reads every word of my blog, provides me with feedback and takes an interest in what I’m doing. It would simply be remiss of me to not take the time to make sure that this subject matter was something he felt comfortable reading about.
With his blessing I am going continue with the theme of reconnecting with oneself. I have been walking through this for quite some time and each day it becomes easier to recognize myself in the things I am buying, listening to, reading and pursuing. For so long I was lost in other people’s definitions of me. I know am finding my own meaning.
When my marriage ended just over 2 years ago one of the biggest challenges for me was sleeping alone in my bed. As anyone who part of a couple knows there is almost an automatic gravitation to a natural side of the bed.
I had spent 12 years sleeping not only on a particular side but with the sound of someone else breathing in the room and the physical energy of another person with me.
The first night I spent on my own wasn’t hard because I kept telling myself it would be no different from going on a business trip or on a mini vacation. My son noticed that even though his Dad was no longer under our roof I still slept on “my side”. As time went on I notice it became increasingly harder to convince myself that this was temporary and I began to grieve the loss of that other person next to me in the dark.
As I have gone through this physical journey I have also gone through an emotional and mental transformation. I have gained confidence, I have gained physical strength and I have gained mental grit. Yet I still slept on “my side” of the bed.
Since my surgery, with time on my hands and being limited physically I have turned very much to the emotional “letting go” of physical objects, of emotional weights that were still holding me back, of feelings of doubt in any area of my life.
Then it happened. One night, without even realizing it, for the first time in over two years I slept somewhere different. I didn’t have a side. I didn’t have a past. I was just present in the moment and I reclaimed the middle of the bed….for me.
Will I welcome having a side again? I am open to future possibilities but I am learning more and more every day that I can be that person who fixes drains in the bathtub, who replaces tail light bulbs, who can mother as a parenting partner instead of a spouse and who can give herself flowers at the end of the day. I am showing my son that I can be strong and soft all at the same time and hopefully teaching him respect for the women that will someday come into his life.
Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing I hope you’re reclaiming a part of yourself no matter how small because every part of us is important.
Photo credit: Armando Tura