So here’s the thing ~ I am not writing about what I was going to write about. What I am doing instead is coming clean with all of you.
I had a post ready to go. Words had flowed from my fingertips in a way they haven’t done for a while. I had experienced a form of blogger’s block the last while and felt like I had honestly overcome it.
Then I watched it.
It was a video on Facebook that a friend had shared. It was 4 minutes and 14 seconds of gut wrenching truth that made me realize that I wanted to write about something else.
For a brief period of time the other day I was a total hypocrite.
I took every positive, inspirational, meaningful thing I have ever said about loving yourself, accepting yourself and being positive about your body and momentarily threw them away like discarded scraps.
You see since my accident in November and my surgery in March my body has been through numerous challenges and changes. Everything from being unable to walk to walking with a walker and elbow crutches to re-learning how to walk with permanent reduced motion in a joint. All of these things take a toll on the body physically, emotionally and hormonally.
I thought I had powered my way through all the emotions until the other day ~ and then I stepped on a scale for the first time in 6 months. While my reaction outside was “It’s just a number!” my reaction inside was telling a totally different tale. I actually covered my eyes so I wouldn’t see the numbers and found them out inadvertently.
Yes, I have put on weight. There it is. In black and white. The words I really needed to share with you all.
I know many of you are likely wondering why this would be such a big deal ~ after all I’ve lost weight before it can’t be all that hard to lose it again?
What many of you don’t know is that when you have previously been that person suffocating and dying on the inside of someone so large, so unhealthy, so sad, so hurt ~ taking a step back (any step back) after working so hard can feel utterly crushing.
When I heard what those numbers were I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks. What I did for a brief period of time is let my self-worth be wrapped up in my body again. My next thought was even more self-deprecating. I had let everyone down that ever believed in me!
I don’t know if you can hear me screaming through the words on this page but NO MORE!!! I am utterly tired of the crap that we put on ourselves. I am done with the forms of social media that tear people down (because it’s not just women but men too) instead of building them up. Most of all I am so over feeling even remotely like my self-worth is tied into anything in this world other than the way I feel about myself on the inside and the way I treat those around me.
I didn’t let anyone down except myself when I allowed those thoughts to occupy my mind for any length of time at all.
To be honest I feel really fucking awesome and I am really proud of all that I have accomplished and will continue to accomplish regardless of the numbers on a piece of man-made technology or the size on a tag attached to any article of clothing.
There you have it. This is me falling and scraping my knee a little….and then getting right back up again and dusting myself off. This is me being vulnerable and honest with all of you.
So fuck the sales I say. Fuck the societal expectations of what our bodies should look like. Fuck the things in this world that lead us to eating disorders, to damaging thoughts and behaviors and doubt in the worth we ALL bring to this world.
This was the story going on inside of me this week and this was more important for me to share.
Wherever you are, whatever you are doing I wish for you the strength to be honest with yourself and those around you no matter how difficult it may seem, the ability to see the beauty that is YOU and not the numbers at your feet and the chance to feel pride in yourself for the things you accomplish every single day.
You Tube Video Link: Credit to Creator
Authenticity contained in a smile!